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Keep on dancing till the world ends...

"The best revenge is living well."



Pressing on...

I miss the days I had so much to write, to say, to contemplate. I also miss when people paid attention to my words, like they mattered.

I miss having the ability to quiet the noise in my head by moving my hand along paper. Somehow, somewhere I've lost this ability.

I miss the desire for speculation.

I miss having friends who loved me, who I knew I could trust. And yet...

And yet...

Time is pushing on, towards Autumn and cooler days. My aura grows stronger, my energies intensified when I am with my lover. Summer is generally a hard time for me, the heat, the long days of sun in my eyes wear my spirit down. I've just been glad to finally have someone hold my hand.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am better and stronger, healthier and freer.

Things really do happen for a reason, and I'm learning truly, that the best revenge is living well.

I have never felt more hopeful for my future than I do now.

Writer's Block: Dear LiveJournal

How long have you been on Livejournal? What major life changes has LiveJournal witnessed?

I have been on livejournal since summer of 2002.

There is an uncountable amount of changes that livejournal has witnessed, some that I wrote about and some I put in more private journals on paper.

I did four years of hard time in high school, I graduated. I lost my virginity, and then he cheated on me a week later. I got my first tattoo, fell in love with a man 10 years older than me. I wrote about livejournal when I was finally diagnosed with gastroparesis and had my stomach pains explained. For a while I didn't write on livejournal. But I wrote about it when I found out when I was pregnant, when I moved to Iowa, left my home for the first time!! I told livejournal about my labor and delivery, and have been writing about Aaron non-stop since he was born. I also wrote about the shame and humiliation of coming back home, the unfathomable pain I felt when I realized it was time to let go of Jacob and move on. Livejournal was with me when I got my own place with my best friend for the first time, and when I got MY OWN place.

I'm so glad I have my two journals on here. To have some sort of consistent record of my life. sihaya87  and this journal have witnessed the most dramatic changes of my life. I have loved using the site, the layouts and all the icons and how user-friendly the site is, I love it too much. Fuck using Notes on fb. This place is old school, and I feel safe using this as my blog.

Livejournal is amazing.

I'm going insane.

My anxiety is starting to grow.

Living alone on top of not being able to drive... not only are my tags expired now, my license has been suspended too. Got things in order to take care of it, just waiting on paper work to go through. I can't go anywhere, I'm stuck here, in my apartment.

I'm in the hole almost 200 dollars, because I've paid BCC too much money. I need to save money to pay for my tags, but I need to pay for my internet. I might have to pay reinstatement fees. I may have to buy SR-22 insurance again. I am so fucked.

I might loose my job because I'm an irresponsible dumbass.

I am so fucked.

Bad karma, bad karma all at once, and now I'm drowning again. I was treading water fine, I was getting through ok, doing what I was supposed to, and then I fucked up again. How am I supposed to grow if I can't learn? Why can't I learn? Why, why, why?

I'm crawling out of my skin and I'm a nervous wreck. I have 277 dollars that may not even be enough to make sure it's legal for me to drive, and I know for a fact my luck is running out. It's only a matter of time before I get pulled over, and when I do I have no doubts I will go to jail. I can't ask my father for more money, he's given me so much already in the past couple of months. Hell, since he came into my life he's been hemorrhaging money for me to try and get me on track. 

What the fuck am I good for?

If I don't loose my job, if I can just keep my job, it will be ok. If there is any god anywhere that exists in this universe please, please just let me keep my job. 

I want to call Frank, to talk to him. I feel like I need him, I just want someone to talk to. I never feel like he judges me when I talk to him. I don't censor myself, I don't have many inhibitions when I'm around him. I miss him, a lot, actually.

Things will get better, this is just a knot in time. Time will keep moving, and what happens will happen, and I will deal with it. I've made less than wise decisions and must face the consequences. The waves are rough, but I can ride this out, I have to. I don't get a choice. Aaron needs me, is depending on me.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...


Writer's Block: I'm sorry

If you only had one day left to live, and you had the chance to tell one person from your past "I love you," who would it be? How about "I'm sorry"?

The "I love you" would go to my son. 

The "I'm sorry" would go to Jacob.